How to Put Three Kids to Bed By Yourself

Feature Photo by Bastien Jaillot on Unsplash

Bedtime in our house is a bit of a tiresome (heh, you like that? Dad pun.) affair. It’s just me and the three kids each night, forever locked in a desperate game of chicken to see who will sleep first. First, some context. My wife works from home in the evening and doesn’t get off work until 10:00pm. That means I am alone to serve dinner and begin the evening ritual called Bedtime. How it goes down varies slightly each night, but here’s a rundown of a typical night and how you can successfully complete Bedtime on your own.

The Solo Bedtime Routine

I want to share the secrets of my successful bedtime with you for free. Bedtime is only successful when we can complete the Universal Bedtime Routine in a timely manner. For the purposes of this instructional blog post, we will assume you have three kids: oldest is a girl, middle is a boy, and youngest is a girl. Assuming all three kids actually eat the dinner that was made for them, the next thing to do is make sure the following items are completed:

• Brush teeth
• Change into pajamas
• Read bedtime stories
• Obtain sippy cups and fill with water
• Tuck in children
• Say bedtime prayers
• Turn off light

That’s not too bad. In fact, I’d say that’s basically the checklist for every night.

“But wait, Ian!” you exclaim. “There’s no way your children are so perfectly accustomed to this bullet point list that they go to bed without a fuss or fight!”

Yes, dear reader, you are correct. The real bedtime looks a little more like this:

1. Gather children
2. Distribute tooth brushes with toothpaste
3. Reapply toothpaste because someone didn’t want toothpaste
4. Tell one of the children that two seconds is not long enough to brush teeth
5. Reapply toothpaste
6. Children run away
7. Gather children into their room so they can pick their own pajamas
8. Children begin playing with toys
9. Pick their pajamas for them
10. Son doesn’t like the pajamas that were picked
11. Daughter follows suit and rejects pajama selection
12. Attempt to calm daughter down and explain she can’t wear her Queen Elsa dress with the ruffles to bed
13. Notice son has picked a Batman costume to wear to bed
14. Third child is still happily brushing her teeth
15. Tell son he cannot dress as Batman for bed
16. Daughter sneaks out of room and returns with box of strawberries
17. Son changes into pajamas
18. Remove toothbrush from youngest daughter
19. Change youngest child’s diaper
20. Dress youngest child in pajamas
21. Gather children
22. Instruct them to pick the books they would like to read for bedtime
23. Notice box of strawberries
24. Reapply toothpaste for oldest daughter
25. Son returns with two story books and a college textbook
26. Daughter returns with three story books
27. Instruct daughter to brush her teeth
28. Son asks for strawberries
29. Fill sippy cups so they have water to drink
30. Put older two in bed
31. Read bedtime stories
32. Say bedtime prayers
33. Say good night
34. Shut bedroom door
35. Attempt to get youngest in bed
36. Place her in bed
37. Sing lullaby
38. Sit in peace while she puts herself to sleep
39. Son crawls out of bed and asks for strawberries
40. Oldest daughter follows and says she has to tell me something
41. Tell son no strawberries, ask daughter what she needs
42. Daughter says she just wanted to say she turned the lights on
43. Tell both children to go to bed or youngest sibling will wake up
44. Tuck them in
45. Say bedtime prayers, including a part where we pray for extra sleepiness
46. Turn off light
47. Shut bedroom door

At this point, congratulate yourself with a bedtime well done. You have successfully put all three kids to bed without much fuss and…

48. Both older children walk out of room and ask for water.
49. Explain that they were already given sippy cups.
50. Tuck them in.
51. Turn off light again.
52. Shut door.

Conclusion

Barring any more interruptions, bedtime is complete. Well done! This is not an exhaustive list, so be prepared for any deviation from the Universal Bedtime Routine. Terms and conditions may apply. Bedtime varies by geographic latitude. Good luck!