Making Time for Everyone and Everything

If you’re anything like me, you may have looked in the mirror at some point recently and asked yourself how you got here.  If you feel like you are the subject of the Talking Heads song Once in a Lifetime, then you and I are in the same boat.  And if you’re like me, you realize that life is short and it isn’t getting any longer.  Each day can seem like we are just getting through it while we wait for our kids to be self-sufficient.  Perhaps you feel like this period of life is just the stage you have “get through” before you can start living the good life.  That good life may be a time you believe you can start accomplishing your life’s calling or start crossing stuff off your bucket list. I’ll let you in on a secret: it’s not.  Every passing day can be a lost chance to do the things you’ve always wanted.  Just like in the Talking Heads song, life will march on whether we want it to or not. Rather than have a freak out moment like I did, it’s time to start putting your identity in something that isn’t based on the things you do.  Let me tell you what I mean.

My mirror moment came last winter when I had a bit of a crisis.  I was burned out and tired of the way things were.  I felt like my life was on cruise control and everything was passing me by.  Even though I had accomplished a lot of things and I had lots of experiences to share, it didn’t feel like it mattered.  Many of the things I had dreamed of had come true.  If 20 year old me could see what 30 year old me was going to have, he would have believed that life will be good and I would lack nothing. But even though I accomplished milestones I had always looked forward to, there was something I lacked: meaning.

In some ways, my identity was something I was confident in.  I am a husband, a father, a follower of Christ.  Somehow, the selfish part of me said those weren’t enough.  I didn’t feel like I was me.  I had written down a list of dreams and I realized that many of them had been dreams in my heart for a long time.  So after every passing year, why did I feel like I hadn’t accomplished anything in my life?

Part of this stemmed from my desire to be selfish.  I love being around people and social gatherings give me energy.  Yet too often I just wanted to be alone, live in a van, travel the country until I die.  Or build a cabin up north, hunt, fish, and be alone until I die.  Or do any number of isolating things until I die.  In many ways, the hobbies I wish I had picked up seemed to be blocked because, despite years of dreaming about them, I didn’t have any time.  The worst part was that because kids demand so much of my time, I began to blame my kids for preventing me from living my dreams.  Unfair and wrong?  Absolutely.

As I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I had to comes to terms the reality of life.  Being a dad means being a dad forever (hence the title of this blog and its tagline). Having kids doesn’t meant that I have to set my identity aside so I can raise them. Instead, my identify is transformed. Being a dad doesn’t mean that I have to stop being Ian so I can raise them. Instead, it means actually being the best Ian I can be for them. All of the things I have ever wanted to do in life can still happen. Each milestone in life matters more because those things are no longer about me, it’s about my family. Now, I have three precious children and wife that can be a part of that. And truly, they each have one more person that can come alongside them and help them grow, develop, and live the most fulfilling live with them: me.

So if you are left wondering if after having kids if you’ll ever have enough time to just be yourself sometimes, remember: you’re not alone. Bring your kids alongside you and be the best dad you can be for them. Kids aren’t a roadblock to success. They will challenge you to live a better life and, as a result, help you hone in on your identity as a dad. So make time for them and they’ll help you find time for everything else…together.